take these sunken eyes and learn to see

In addition to my upcoming interview (keep those good thoughts coming, people), I forgot to mention that the Spouse has a phone interview for a pretty good job tomorrow. There also may be another potential opportunity for him doing something that he really wants to do, although it is not yet clear where things stand on that.

I have made valiant efforts to get out and meet people, and it’s going well. I had lunch today with a person who works at a local college and has very similar interests to mine. She knows a few people that I know from the local university, and is a cool person in her own right. We already have tentative plans to meet up again with spouses/kids in tow for a weekend coffee break. Some friends of ours from back in Alabama are in town for a visit and introduced us to some amazingly cool people that they know here. We’re both hoping to get to know them better and have even more cool friends in our new home.

In other interesting news, I may be participating in a clinical drug trial for people with my particular type of IBS. I’m not sure if it will have any positive benefit for me, but I’m certainly game for helping researchers figure out why the hell people like me suffer as we do. It’s been somewhat hard following my diet here, although I do have much better access to ingredients that fit with my restrictions. Avoiding onion and garlic is a toughie, since most of the chile sauces here are made with at least garlic, if not onion, too. Most all salsas have onion in them. Some places don’t have wheat-free bread. However, the grocery stores here have been a godsend. Trader Joe’s happens to carry awesomely cheap (and awesome) corn pastas, so that allows us to eat pasta frequently without going broke. Our local natural grocery store sells loaves of spelt flour bread for the same price as regular bread. I finally tracked down asafetida powder, and boy does that stuff stink! I currently have our bottle sealed in two Ziploc bags, and yet I manage to catch a whiff of it here and again. I am almost scared to put in my food for fear of what it might taste like (and what I’ll smell like later).

Once we are both gainfully employed, I am thinking of taking some sort of class. My first thought is to do flamenco class, although I am not sure what I do with that outside of class. Maybe belly dance? I took classes a while back and enjoyed them, but again, I am not sure what I do outside of class. I’m pretty sure that whatever I do will be some sort of physical activity, so that I can find other ways of staying fit. Biking is loads of fun, but I feel like I need to diversify a bit.

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end of semester ramblings

The semester is ending and I have exams, papers, and extra credit assignments to grade. So, of course, I am cleaning my house as if I were prepping an operating room. The Spouse is away for a few days visiting his family, so I really have nothing else going on and no one in my way. He will have no idea where the hell he is when he gets home Wednesday night! Out house is never nasty or disheveled, but we haven’t done very much in the way of deep cleaning in a long time.

It does feel good to have things in order and for the house to smell so good. I even went so far as to empty and scrub the litter box, since Mr. Grieves has decided that he’d rather shit on the floor. (Thanks, man.) I tackled our horribly stained kitchen sink with a Magic Eraser, which was miraculous. We have one of those old-fashioned porcelain sinks, and it gets stained from all of the coffee and brightly colored things that get dumped in it. Looks sparkling new again now!

I also enjoy having the time and energy to hit the gym. We joined up a few weeks ago to motivate ourselves to work out more consistently. So far, so good. We go at least 3-4 days a week, and we both feel like we already see results. My biometric screening at work revealed that my body fat percentage is about 1% higher than it should be, so I am actively trying to bring it down. My weight and BMI are perfectly healthy, but I would like to be a bit leaner for aesthetic reasons. My cholesterol was unbelievably perfect: HDL of 99 (really) and LDL of 76. Being mostly vegetarian on a Mediterranean-style diet has its perks. I also have genetics to thank, but no one in my family has ever done that well.

And this old world is a new world and a bold world, and I’m feelin’ good

Now that I have some applications out, I’m beginning to feel my potential and think hopefully about my future. Over the next few months, I’m really looking to make all aspects of my life better so that I can start my career at my best.  My plan is this

1. Keep working on conference presentations and publications:  My goal is to have at least 2 presentations and 3 more publications by the end of the academic year.
2. Improve my health:  I’ve finally visited a doctor to address my persistent allergy and asthma problems, so now I’m on a bunch of medications (to the tune of $300/month…ouch) and will be starting allergy shots next week.  I also had a complete physical and will find out the results soon.  Four and a half years was way too long to not have at least a basic checkup.  I’m not unhealthy, but dealing with a variety of minor issues on a daily basis can be really draining over the long haul.
3. Lose weight:  I’m not fat, but I am not in the best shape I could be.  I could exercise more, and I could certainly eat a more balanced diet (more whole grains and veggies, less alcohol and cheese).  Next month I’m playing an online game called Health Month in which you publicly post some rules for yourself on the site, and you attempt to at least maintain, if not gain, points.  Those who have points at the end of the month are put on the Wall of Awesomeness.  Those who fail are put on the Wall of Almost-But-Not-Quite Awesomeness.  Also, I managed to get a sponsor for this month, so even if I can’t do this for myself, I will feel compelled to do it for him.

My rules are:

• 5 or fewer alcoholic beverages per week
• Eat bright or leafy vegetables at least 5 days a week
• Dairy only 4 days/week
• Only one fried item per week
• Run at least 9 miles per week
• Visit the gym 2x/week (yoga counts)
• Drink 15 glasses of water (8 oz. servings) in a week
• Take all of my medications exactly as prescribed (no skipping doses)
• Only 10 servings of coffee and tea per week

I figure these steps will help me pinpoint dietary issues that I’ve been having and make me appreciate how much awful stuff I am actually eating.  It will also get me exercising in a serious way, which will also be good for me.  Now that the weather is finally cooling off (can I get an “amen?”), I will really enjoy running and working out again.

We’ll see how this goes.  I know that a few of these will be really hard for me (water, fried stuff, and dairy), but these are not impossible goals, and I think that the benefits will be readily apparent.  If all things go well, I will probably drop somewhere between 5 and 7 pounds this month, which would be fantastic.  That’s really all I should lose, and I think it will make a huge difference for me.

And in other news

A little bird told me that my last post seemed like one big pity party. I apologize. I’ve been pretty down about things in general right now, and it’s hard to summon my usual ebuillence. After a long conversation with the spouse and another one with my advisor, I feel cautiously optimistic. It’s actually a really exciting stage of my life, and I should be enjoying it far more than I have.

I’ve been tracking my measurements over the course of the summer, and I’m happy…no, overjoyed to announce that I’ve lost a whole 2.5 inches off my waist and 1.25 inches from my hips. I haven’t weighed myself in a good while, but I can only assume that I’ve lost some weight. I may drop by the gym today to do some weight training and I’ll hop on the scale then. I try not to use weight as a barometer of my overall health or fitness progress, but in conjunction with other measures, it will tell me more about how well I’ve been doing to be healthy and slimmer. My energy levels have certainly increased, and I’ve found that my running pace has increased dramatically (from about an 11 min mile to about a 9 or 9.5 minute mile). Now that the summer is over, I’m going to start building mileage to my long runs, starting next weekend. By the end of next month, I’ll be up to around 10 miles per run. By Halloween, I’ll have 15, and by the end of the year, I’ll be up to 26 miles!

These next few weeks will be frantic, what with the beginning of the semester, the job search, and of course, the dissertation. My life is about to become one huge transition, but I welcome the challenge enthusiastically.

The Audacity of Heat

It’s hot, boys and girls. Really hot. On the upside, it makes me wake up earlier. The downside is…well, pretty much everything else. I pretty much nullify the freshening benefits of my daily shower walking the 5 minutes from my car to the office. Growing my hair seems less and less like a good idea, so I’ve been rocking the ponytail/bun/messy up-do in the interest of staying cool and not chopping my hair out of frustration. My runs are scheduled for early in the morning or late evening, but either way they are most sweaty and exhausting.

Speaking of, I’m beginning to see subtle changes in my physique, and it’s certainly reinforcing. I took my 2nd picture a couple of days ago and noticed that I had some definition around my collarbone that was not there before. Little things. I’ve yet to skip a single run, but I can’t take all of the credit. My running buddies are awesome and they keep me motivated and accountable, which is exactly what I need.

There was some drama with my data earlier this week (shocking, I know), but it all seems to be resolved now. I ended up chopping out about 50 people, but in the end, it’s no huge loss because that data was kind of junk anyways. I stayed in the office from 11am-9pm on Tuesday and I honestly thought I was going to lose my mind. An early start on Wednesday after some sleep helped me to be much more productive and on-task, and I managed to fix everything by about 10AM. My findings now are consistent with what they were before, which is good, but this time I know that they’re with reliable and valid data. Interestingly, I’m actually losing fewer people this way than before when my reliability checks were eliminating people at twice the normal rate. Kids, don’t use other peoples’ data!

Get to steppin’

I find myself in somewhat of an academic rut. It’s nothing serious, but I once again have a load of work to plow through over the next few weeks and at times it feels like an insurmountable obstacle, to the point that I’ve spent more time worrying and procrastinating than I have actually working. I’ve been good about doing not doing this recently, and now is not the time for my old habits to resurface. After the hellish April I had coupled with my proposal defense and recovery from surgery, I feel like I haven’t taken a full breath in quite some time. I really won’t have a break until mid-late July, and even then, I’ll likely be busy packing. A busy life is better than the alternative, but when you’re in the thick of things, it sure doesn’t feel that way. By the end of next week, I need to pound out 3 conference proposals and finish up my analysis so I can get my presentation ready by the end of the following week. I’m really chomping at the bit now, but I’m feeling impossibly lazy and unmotivated at the present.

My reformation plan is going quite well. I’ve been running, going to the gym, and monitoring my eating habits a little more closely, and it’s paid off! I lost about 4 lbs over the past 2 weeks in part because I’m consuming less salt and way more water, and I’ve taken an inch off my waist, which is a welcome development. Tomorrow is my first long run (I’m training for a marathon and have one “long” run per week.) If all goes well, I’ll peel off 6 miles, but even 5 would be OK. I’ve never done more than 5 before in my life, so I’m curious to see whether I can even do it. Each week my long runs get successively longer until I’m able to do 26 in one try. I don’t see how I can’t substantially shape up when I’m running no less than 12 miles a week, and up to 32 miles in the later weeks.

Confrontation

I decided to buck up and take a picture of myself to get a baseline so that I can objectively see changes as I improve my fitness and lose weight.

Not. Good.

Obviously I’m not going to post these pictures, as they show me semi-clothed, and I want to keep things PG around here (swearing and alcohol references aside). It was so strange to be confronted with an image of myself that I’d never really seen before, or at least one that I’d never let myself see. I felt like I was looking at another person. I am so much bigger than I imagined myself to be, and the effect was pretty shocking. This isn’t how I want to look, and I don’t like how I feel, hence my efforts to turn this around before it’s too late.

Hi, I’m Freckles

They say that the first step to solving any problem is to admit that there IS a problem in the first place. You can’t solve something that isn’t really there, after all. Any sort of substance abuse or addiction program really emphasizes this, through various methods, whether by stating that you have a problem, or by symbolically destroying the problem.

Along those same lines, I’m coming out with my problem: I am teetering toward fatness.

I’m not quite sure what happened. Weight has been somewhat of a struggle for me for at least the past 12 years. In high school I was a solid size 10 or 12, which on a small 5’2″ frame is too much. This was due to the fact that I ate a lot of processed foods, sodas, and a typical Southern diet without the necessary amount of physical activity. I did gradually lose a little bit of weight through my junior year. Then I had major surgery, got really sick, and dropped 20 lbs in a matter of 2 weeks. I don’t ever advise losing that much weight that quickly, deliberately or otherwise. I was suddenly a wispy 100 lbs and wore about a size 2. While it was kind of cool to be that skinny, I was not healthy, and knew it. I gradually added back some weight and stayed around 115-120 all through college.

Grad school came and I still managed to keep the weight down, although a few pounds crept up here and there. I stayed on a relatively healthy diet and worked out regularly, so no big deal, right?  Last year I was running a few days a week and felt really good about my appearance. I was healthy and energetic. Then comps came, the weather got hot, and I started slacking. It’s hard to run when it’s already 90 degrees at 6 in the morning! Then my endometriosis started flaring up big time when I worked out. The Lupron destroyed what little will and energy I had left to exercise. I made a valiant attempt to get back on the workout wagon in December, and that lasted up until my grandmother’s passing, save for the weeks when I had the flu. My life went to hell, I didn’t make the time for exercise, and now I’m paying for it.

In the past 2 months, I’ve probably gained close to 10 lbs. I was already a bit over what I wanted to be, but this has pushed me over the edge. When I see myself in the mirror, I’m disgusted. I don’t like any of my clothes because I know they all reveal my flaws. The thought of going clothes shopping just nauseates me, because I don’t want to have to face what I know to be true: I don’t look good.

So, no more denial. When I go for my follow-up appointment tomorrow, I’m going to ask when I am allowed to start working out again. I’m getting back into my routine, and starting in July, I’m going to see a personal trainer once a week. By the end of the year, I would like to have lost at least 15 lbs, which puts me at losing less than a pound a week. My life recently has been very unhealthy, and I’m paying the price in looking and feeling like hell. I want to turn this around before it’s too late. This morning I measured the circumference of my upper arms, thighs, waist, and hips and wrote down the numbers. They weren’t good, to put it bluntly. I’ll start measuring myself every 2 weeks to track my progress, in addition to weekly weigh ins. If I can muster the courage, I may take pictures of myself to see objectively any changes. My problems is denial, and I have to overcome it.

In addition to all this, I’m going to make a more determined effort to eat healthfully. I’m going to start eating more plants and start avoiding foods that don’t resemble things found in nature. Cutting back on the cheese, bread, and refined carbs will probably also happen, and I know this will be tough, but it has to be done. I’m not going to totally deprive myself, but ultimately weight loss involves burning more calories than one consumes, so I have to decide if that large mound of melted Brie is really worth the hours I’ll need to put in to burn it off. I think if anything this will really enhance the quality of my diet, and this is something I’m looking forward to.

God bless Garrison Keillor

“The two hardest things about writing are starting and not stopping.”

This is what I heard when I started up the car on Wednesday morning and the radio came on. I’ve always liked The Writer’s Almanac, one, because I like Garrison Keillor (he could tell me that I was about to have my toenails ripped out, but his voice is so soothing that I wouldn’t care), and two, it’s sometimes the only connection I have to literature and poetry, two things I used to love but don’t really have time for now. Wednesday’s show was particularly amazing, considering it was Dietrich Bonhoeffer and Betty Friedan’s birthday, and the poem of the day was by Whitman. The poem particularly touched me because it was about the terrible uncertainties of life, and how that one special person can make things seem so much easier, so sure. The whole show just put a smile on my face, something that rarely happens these days.

But ol’ Garrison really hit the nail on the head with the Stewart O’Nan quote. Some days, the thought of having to sit down and write is unthinkable (“How ’bout that toenail extraction?”), but then once I start writing, it’s as if my entire dissertation wants to be written in the next 2 hours. Words pour forth from my fingers, and it almost pains me to have to stop. I finished my first chapter today, and I’m thinking I may be able to do Chapter 3 in a day or two. Famous last words, they say.

I also ran my first real 5K this morning. Yesterday, in some moment of insanity, I thought that it would be a good idea for me to try to run 3 miles to make sure that I’d be OK for the run. So I ran 3 miles yesterday afternoon, and then did the 5K this morning. After not running since the middle of June 2008. Smart! Now I’m kind of in a world of hurt, but I’m proud of myself for doing it. Maybe this is what I need to get back into the whole running thing again.

When it rains, it pours

No, I’m not talking about the weather here, although last week’s rains were nothing short of insane. I really wondered if it was ever going to stop raining. The river (that runs not half a mile from my house) was over 10 ft above flood stage, and most grassy areas were nothing but muck and water. My rain boots definitely got some good use last week!

Anycrap, it seems as if each day brings something else that I’m going to have to complete by x date, and it’s really starting to freak me out. I’m doing my best to impose structure and order in my life so that I don’t fall off the wagon. The first order of business was to schedule times during the week where I will do nothing but write. The idea is for me to put in somewhere in the neighborhood of 15-20 hours per week reading and writing, which I think should be plenty of time to accomplish all of what I need to do by the respective deadlines.

I’ve also scheduled 5 workouts a week, in order to keep myself on track to better health and fitness. I’ve gone to the gym 3 days in a row now, and 4 days in the past week. I plan on taking tomorrow off and then going Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. My schedule from now on will likely be Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday, with one of those days being optional if my week is busy. It might be a good idea to bring in some articles to read while I’m on the elliptical in order to knock out two objectives simultaneously. Yesterday I did 50 minutes at an 11 minute mile pace, and today I took it a little easier (35 minutes at a 13 minute pace) so that I could do more strength training. If I keep this up, I should see some results in a few weeks, and by the time summer rolls around, I should look pretty damn good.

My conference proposal is about half-written, and I have a good outline for my diss proposal. This weekend I will definitely be putting in some serious hours so that I can complete the conference proposal and have at least 5 pages written on my diss proposal. I’d love to have 10 pages written by this time next week, but we’ll see how this weekend pans out. By the end of the month, I’d ideally like to have 25 pages written, putting me well over halfway through. My overview chapter shouldn’t be hard to write (10-15 pages, max) because most of it will come from my prospectus. The methodology chapter also should come fairly easily since all I’ll really need to do is expand on my methods section of my prospectus, yielding about 10-15 pages. The tough part will be the literature review, since I have to include not only what I’ve already been reading, but also new literature based on the suggestions of my committee. I’m guessing this section could be anywhere from 25-40 pages, hopefully closer to the low end of that range.

On the bright side, once I get this done, my dissertation is half written!