The conference went about as well as it could have, I’d say. My poster went swimmingly, and I got lots of great ideas and feedback. I managed to keep to myself the fact that in 8 days, all of what I presented dies with my academic career. I really avoided going to sessions and even skipped out on my interest group’s meeting, if only because I feared how painful it would be to say goodbye to so many people.

My meetings with people went far better than I’d anticipated. My connection at UNM (no need for pseudonyms, really) met up with me for a drink on the 2nd night of the conference, and we ended up having an amazing time. During our walk to the bar, she basically told me everything that happened with the search that broke my heart. As awkward as it could have been, it was a moment of catharsis for me. Apparently, the boys’ club won out and picked the male candidate, who proceeded to utterly not work out at all. Of all of the rejections, I took that one the hardest, and knowing that it had nothing to do with me (except for my lack of a penis) made me realize that I am not a failure because I failed. Better things are on the horizon, and all of this will lead me there.

When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.

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