It sometimes feels like some force in the Universe is trying its damnedest to break me. I realize that we all have our trials and tribulations, but it’s beginning to feel like I’m getting more than my fair share and at an unmanageable pace.

Perhaps I spoke too soon about potentially having an interview next week. The e-mail from the search chair seemed to imply that I was a contender for the short short list. They were supposed to meet yesterday (Tuesday) to get the list together in order to invite people for interviews for next week. It’s currently Wednesday, and I’ve heard nothing. One would think that I would have heard something by now, given the proposed timeline. My hope on that score is fading quickly.

As I’ve alluded to recently, I’ve been in very poor health over the last few years. I went to an ENT specialist last week, and she looked around in my sinuses with a camera (not comfortable), swabbed for a culture (also not fun), and sent me for a CT scan. Today I went back for a follow-up, and she noted a few issues in my sinuses that likely need surgery. I’m also on yet another course of antibiotics and steroids, this time for three weeks. Very unhappy about this, as steroids do awful things to me (weight gain, emotional instability, extreme hunger, insomnia). The last thing I need right now is something to make me emotionally unstable and unable to sleep.

No word from Farflung U., obviously. My current situation is most unpleasant, as my students are suddenly realizing that the semester is almost over and that they’ll be receiving grades soon. Some of them are downright insufferable, and it’s so hard some days for me not to just tell some of them to go to hell. That’s likely a sign of burnout.

I’m a firm believer that being happy is a choice we make in life. Right now, I feel like there isn’t much to be happy about. I feel like a shitty person for my lack of gratitude, but I really just feel like shutting the door and going to sleep until all of this is over.

I’ve been watching this video to remind me that there are things in this world to be happy about. A few of my friends and colleagues have had happy news recently, and I am glad for them. It’s just become increasingly hard for me to put on my happy face, and that’s not the way for me to be.