Now that this process is moving along (and quickly), the Spouse is starting to get a bit nervous. I can’t say that I blame him. Really, think about it: We could possibly be moving nearly 6000 miles away in just a matter of months. To a country I haven’t seen in over 8 years. To a place he’s never been, at all. Oh, and the icing on the cake is the fact that just a mere year and odd months ago, this place went through a friggin revolution and there are a LOT of unknowns at this juncture.

It’s hard to deal with this. Sure, this is a big deal and would mean so many changes in our lives. On the other hand, it’s a tenure-track job, and a fantastic one, at that. If you asked me to independently describe my dream job, this would be it, no matter the location. The thought that I could come so close, only to have to back out at the last minute crushes me.

At the beginning of the job search process, I told Spouse that I would give him veto power when it came to my applications. This is why I did not apply to work at a university where the closest city of any size (I do mean any) is over 4 hours away. Oh, and the average high in January is 22. Nope! I totally understand that line of reasoning, and early on, it’s easy to just toss a listing aside.

The problem is that he now wants to exert this power at the offer stage. Last night, I begged him to just go ahead and decide now either way, so that I don’t waste anyone’s time or get my heart broken yet again. He wouldn’t commit either way.

I can’t help but feel sick and conflicted, perhaps more so than I have been over the past 31 months. And I feel like a terrible person for feeling this way.