If anything, I have acquired a whole mess of patience in this whole process. Once again, my fate hangs in the hands of a few other people who don’t seem to understand my urgency to know whether I’ll be at least breaking even once my student loans come due. It’s just my livelihood for the next year, after all. Not only that, but a position has come open that is close by, pays fairly well, and takes advantage of my skills and experiences. I would like to have my former department head serve as a reference, but it’s a complicated balance to strike, because he obviously wants to look out for his own interests, too. If I got this position, I might be able to delay my job search by a year, get some more publications and experience, and be a stellar candidate when I resume my search in Fall 2011. If I don’t, I’m going to have to really do an intense search this year, because being mostly income-less for two years isn’t really a good idea.
I feel like the last few years of my life have been spent waiting on other people to do what they need to do before I can continue on. Part of growing up is seeing the world for what it really is rather than how you want it to be, and I’ve come to see that the world can be awfully careless at times. I try to be mindful of others’ needs, but I struggle to define the point at which I say, “Sorry, but I only have so much to give you.” In this struggle, I fear, I have become somewhat bitter, and I’m working to change that.