I feel like in some ways I’ve strayed from my intention to make my blog an expressive writing outlet, and I somewhat regret that. I don’t believe that blogging is necessarily for venting or online therapy or anything like that, but rarely do I write about issues or events that I find thought-provoking, stimulating, or inspiring (not in any religious sort of way, but rather aesthetically inspiring). My blog seems to portray me as a shallow person, and I’d like to change that.
Lately, I’ve been confronting my adulthood. It seems so strange to even type that. I’ve legally been an adult since 19, and out of college over 3 years, and yet until recently, I didn’t feel like “a grown-up.” I’ve had bills, a job, and all the trappings of adulthood for a number of years, but it didn’t quite seem real. I always told myself I’d put off doing things until I was older, but I had no certain time frame in mind. Not to be morbid, but I’ve realized that we don’t really have some infinite parcel of time, and that if i want to do something and have the means to do it, then dammit, I should do it. One of my high school classmates was recently killed in a fight. He was 27. If I somehow found out that I only had another year or two to live, I would be filled with so much regret for all the things I didn’t do and wouldn’t have time to do. Being in grad school does somewhat limit what I can do, given the workload, but in some ways I feel like I’ve used it as a crutch to justify not doing things. I feel like I’ve let my life stop, and that there’s so much more I could do, if I’d just let it happen. When Scott and I got the curtains and hardware up the other day, it felt like some gigantic accomplishment, and that was somewhat troubling to me. Sure, it really did a lot to spruce things up, but a momentous occasion? Hardly.
All that said (sorry for the tl;dr), I feel like my life is good. Being married is a great thing, but anyone who tells you it isn’t stressful and (at times) difficult is full of shit. This has been a big surprise for both of us, because we lived together for nearly two years before getting married and thought that we had each other figured out. This couldn’t be further from the truth. We still surprise each other every day, and there’s the added pressure of feeling like everything we do is setting a precedent for the rest of our lives. They say that the first year of marriage is always the most difficult, and “they” are absolutely correct. Even still, I can’t imagine my life without him, and I am more than willing to put up with the stress if it means having him with me. I know that once we settle in to a routine that things will be easier for us as individuals and as a couple. There’s also the whole “I’m in grad school working my ass off for (almost) no money” aspect to all of it, which is probably the biggest source of stress in my life for now. Having a reliable schedule, a respectable job, and a decent income will do wonders for my stress level and my self-esteem.
Enough of my emo-ness. This weekend should be pretty awesome, filled with dinner out, shopping, steam cleaning the carpets (par-tay!), and maybe watching the Super Bowl. I’ve managed to accomplish a lot academically this week, so I may let myself off the hook this weekend for reading/statistics-ing. I have 4 assignments due by the end of February and I’ve already finished 1 and a half of them.