Today, I started taking meaningful steps toward being a former academic. I’d kept a massive filebox of articles that I’d held on to for when I taught grad-level seminars in my career. Obviously, there’s no need to keep them, so to the recycling bin they went. I will also start putting my academic books on Amazon to sell soon. A little extra money couldn’t hurt!
The spouse is applying for jobs in a few desirable locales, so I am hitting pause on my job search while his plays out. It is kind of a relief, to be honest. 148 applications later, I am very, very tired. The spouse has sacrificed his career and happiness chasing a dream of mine that was never meant to be. He deserves to have some control now that I have shown that I am incapable of getting a tenure-track job. I feel so guilty sometimes for putting him through all of this.
In other news, I finally got my Mirena out after 5.5 years. The removal hurt like a bitch for all of 2 seconds, and then I went back to normal. I had been having some side effects from it (pain, abdominal fullness, constantly having to pee), so I doubt that I will get another one. I may try being on pills for a while and see how that goes. As long as I don’t get knocked up, I am happy to do whatever I need to do. It’s just about the last thing we need right now.
The scores from the FSOT come out this week, and I am desperate for some good news. It is of course one of many steps in the process, but crossing the first hurdle would be a welcome relief.
I take it you heard back from the school where you had your campus interview? If so, I’m sorry. I will say, though, that you shouldn’t feel too bad or too guilty about not getting a tt job. It’s almost impossible to do and sometimes only happens by sheer luck. That’s the only way I got a job. But then again, I’m not exactly happy where I landed. So sometimes I think that getting a job, but being unhappy with it, is just as bad as never getting one at all. Who knows?
I have not heard back from Red State University, but their silence is a message all its own. The process is indeed arbitrary, and I really don’t feel all that badly. Why should I desire to work in a profession that is clearly not a good fit for me?
My only regret is staying on the market as long as I did. After reading your story (and others’ stories), I’m convinced that no one should spend more than 2 years on the market. It seems that if you do land something, it’s likely to make you miserable. Dragging my spouse along for the ride only made things worse. My own career exploding on launch is bad enough, but possibly ruining his, too? What a mistake.
I wouldn’t call it a mistake, necessarily. You learn from this stuff. It sucks when you’re going through it, that’s for sure. But it might lead to something good.
I’m sorry — it’s hard to say anything that doesn’t sound like a platitude. :-/
Eh, no worries. What can anyone really say in this kind of situation?
Keep in mind that the reason you haven’t heard anything is probably because nothing is nailed down with their first choice, which may mean that the job could fall to you. First choices in less-than-desirable locations often turn the offer down (I did, once–then never got another….but that’s another story). By all means think post-academic thoughts (it’s nice out here!), but don’t sell those books just yet.
I’d like to be able to agree with you, but in my experience, search committees are rather bad about sending out formal notices of rejection on their own behest. More often than not, I’ve had to contact them to ask what’s going on, sometimes months after interviewing.
Think I’ll go sell those books now…
I’m very much in sympathy with your decision, painful though it must be. I had the ‘silence is a message’ talk with our daughter….a week before she got the job offer. I still don’t know if it was right to speak discouraging words, but I’ve not gotten jobs that I hoped for, too (and no one ever calls teachers to say they’re out of the running.) It can be best to be prepared.
Will you rename the blog?? I don’t want to miss the rest of the story.
Oh–and it’s old-fashioned, but a diaphragm (used correctly) is good birth control AND doesn’t have side effects. (Modern science was not kind to me– I got pregnant while on the pill –remember that 0.01%?–and another brand was responsible for tumors that developed. That was was taken off the market about, oh, 40 years ago.)
Well, the upside of being a pessimist is that when you are wrong, you’re pleasantly surprised. Believe me, I’d love to think that I could get good news after resigning myself to bad. I just have to move forward no matter the outcome. You were wise to give that speech to your daughter. I wish someone else would just let me accept that the news is likely bad. Excess optimism is just as bad as extreme pessimism, in my book
I have to have some sort of hormonal intervention that prevents me from having a cycle because of severe endometriosis. Haven’t had one in nearly 6 years, and I surely do not miss it. I really like the idea of non-hormonal intervention, but it isn’t an option for me.
I’ve been following your journey. As someone who’s almost done with the phd, I have serious reservations about whether to pursue a dream that no longer seems lustrous, especially in light of my spouse’s career on a good momentum. I also sympathize with you on the silence from the dept. I agree with Elaine and hope you keep telling your story and let us know how things are going for you. I first found your blog when I started having doubts about TT jobs (after seeing so many of my friends go on the market year after year and those who actually got an offer, not much happier). Best of luck and I hope you get some good news on the FSOT exam.
Whether I continue blogging depends on what comes next. No one would read “Haphazard Musings Of A Failed Academic Who Now Surfs The Internet All Day.” I hope not, at least.
I know too many people who have been unlucky, and I want out. Your experience could be very different, but always know that there are other options for smart, motivated people like yourself. (Or so I’ve been told…) Good luck to you, regardless.