In threes February 10, 2009

They say bad things (or good things) come in threes. Well, there’s the aforementioned issue with my dissertation, which is still embarrassing. There’s also the fact that I just got the last shot to fix the OHW before surgery. I have a headache, cramps, and intermittent hot flashes that make me want to strip down to my birthday suit and take a plunge in a frozen river. And my ass hurts from where the shot went in. It’s funny because it doesn’t hurt when the nurse inserts the needle, and it really hurts when the solution enters my veins, and even the next day, I’m just sore as hell. Apparently, shots based on powders cause more discomfort than shots that are completely liquid. Alls I know is that I’m not taking another one of these ever again.

I go back to the doctor on April 20th for a pre-surgical consult. I hope that I can schedule the surgery before my shot wears off and I get all achy again. These last two weeks have been kind of unpleasant because the benefits of the shot wore off and I was feeling pretty shitty. Once the initial effects of this shot wear off, I’ll feel good for a couple of months.

I dread these next few days, because I’m afraid my third will arrive, and it will not be pretty.

FML! February 10, 2009

My gloating from the last post came back to haunt me. Never gloat, because comeuppance is a bitch.

So, I used multiple scales in my diss data collection in order to assess a number of different constructs. I had three scales in particular (for our purposes, let’s call them A, B, and C) that I used to assess one particular construct (let’s call it…um…cognitive closure…yeah). I liked A and B a lot, but I was kind of on the fence about C. Did it really assess cognitive closure, or was it really included because it had some strong correlations with Scale A? But, I figured it might reveal some unique information, and the literature I read about it was interesting, so I stopped worrying.

Earlier today I was reading an article about the theory behind Scale C. I have read this article about a dozen times already, and could quote it extensively, if I had to. I read the items from the scale developed from the theory, and then I compared it to what I used in my survey, and FUCK ME if it didn’t match. Ohhhhh shit.

It turns out that I used a totally different, although related, scale that correlates pretty strongly to Scale C. All the while, I thought it was scale C, when it wasn’t. Then I find out that this scale (we’ll call it Scale D), consists of items from two totally different scales (we’ll call them E and F). This means I have a lot more to read, some writing to erase, and more writing to do. Just when I think I’m on track to get things done easily and on time, life throws me a curveball of flaming dog shit.

I dread telling my advisor what I’ve done. Even if he doesn’t have a thrombo, I am going to feel like a complete dee for making such a fucking stupid mistake. He’s not likely to have a thrombo, so I just get to feel like a moron. Oh, the shame!

Eh, fuck that noise, I’m going to bed. Tomorrow is another day.

Um, wow. February 9, 2009

I’ve written nearly 9 pages today on my Methods chapter, and I see myself writing at least 1 or 2 more pages before bedtime. At this rate, I just might finish it tomorrow, which means I have 17 days to get my lit review done.

One chapter, two days. Amazing.

God bless Garrison Keillor February 8, 2009

“The two hardest things about writing are starting and not stopping.”

This is what I heard when I started up the car on Wednesday morning and the radio came on. I’ve always liked The Writer’s Almanac, one, because I like Garrison Keillor (he could tell me that I was about to have my toenails ripped out, but his voice is so soothing that I wouldn’t care), and two, it’s sometimes the only connection I have to literature and poetry, two things I used to love but don’t really have time for now. Wednesday’s show was particularly amazing, considering it was Dietrich Bonhoeffer and Betty Friedan’s birthday, and the poem of the day was by Whitman. The poem particularly touched me because it was about the terrible uncertainties of life, and how that one special person can make things seem so much easier, so sure. The whole show just put a smile on my face, something that rarely happens these days.

But ol’ Garrison really hit the nail on the head with the Stewart O’Nan quote. Some days, the thought of having to sit down and write is unthinkable (“How ’bout that toenail extraction?”), but then once I start writing, it’s as if my entire dissertation wants to be written in the next 2 hours. Words pour forth from my fingers, and it almost pains me to have to stop. I finished my first chapter today, and I’m thinking I may be able to do Chapter 3 in a day or two. Famous last words, they say.

I also ran my first real 5K this morning. Yesterday, in some moment of insanity, I thought that it would be a good idea for me to try to run 3 miles to make sure that I’d be OK for the run. So I ran 3 miles yesterday afternoon, and then did the 5K this morning. After not running since the middle of June 2008. Smart! Now I’m kind of in a world of hurt, but I’m proud of myself for doing it. Maybe this is what I need to get back into the whole running thing again.

My insanity, let me show you it February 3, 2009

I realize damn well that I should be doing anything but blogging right now but OH MY GOD I just want to throw up because of all of the work. Sleeping and eating just feel like distractions for me, despite their necessity. There’s not enough coffee in the world for me to stay awake and focused enough to do everything I need/want to do.

You ever feel like it takes you about three times as long as it should to do anything and everything? I am so there. I don’t know if it’s because I’m so mentally fried that I can’t process things at my normal speed or if I’m so exhausted that I just can’t function, but I feel like I’m getting nothing done in any area of my life. My workouts haven’t felt productive. My laundry often piles up until I have nothing clean but yoga pants and those cheesy dog socks my mom gave me when I was 12. Running errands, when I get the chance, never seems to work out too well for me because I’m pretty forgetful, even with a list. My stuff-cups, plates, books, articles, pencils-is everywhere, which I’m sure delights the spouse to no end.

I’ve written about 7 pages on chapter 1, I have an outline for Chapter 2, and section headings for Chapter 3, but that’s it. I have mountains upon mountains of sources to draw from, and I think therein lies my problem. It’s all just too big for me to wrap my head around it. Really, I need to figure out a way to break things down into sections so that I can address one thing at a time, but there’s so much information inside of me right now and it feels like the dam is about to break. And I’m just the little Dutch boy with her little finger in the dike holding back everything, for now. I can’t type as fast as I think, and I have way too much to say to ever type it in one sitting (hence the whole “take a few months/years to write your diss” thing). Unfortunately, I’m the kind of person who, when given a task, wants to get it all done RIGHTNOW. This means that some days I can’t seem to get myself to work, and when I do, I can’t stop.

I really hope I’m not alone in this, because it’s insanely frustrating.