So we’ve been on the hunt for an officiant for a little over a month now. There are quite a few “rent-a-preachers” down in the NOLA area, but they charge a hell of a lot and it just seems to cheapen the notion of getting married. It’s like they have this one formula, plug your names in and there ya go. Nothing personal or meaningful. I sure as hell don’t want some minister admonishing me about what the Bible says about the role of a wife, especially when he has no idea who I am. We contacted the Unitarian congregation down there (since that’s something we agree on) and I finally talked to the minister yesterday. She seems really nice and is open to doing our ceremony. Here’s the deal:
Her partner (yes, she’s a lesbian…no, I don’t care) is due to give birth to their child somewhere in mid-June. If the baby comes before June 23, no big deal. If the baby hasn’t come by then, then the Rev. will be on 24 hour alert until the baby comes. With my luck he/she will arrive at 6:45 PM on June 23 (the wedding’s at 7:00 PM). However, should something like that happen, then there is a back-up person who may be able to do it. No big deal. It’s just the uncertainty of it all.
Another thing that has me stressed out is that Scott was harping all over about “What will your family do when our lesbian minister shows up with her partner at the rehearsal dinner/reception?!” As if my family is the only group we need to worry about. His folks are nice, but not the most open-minded. (Cue flashback of his dad blaming Clinton for all of the ills of the world and complaining about black people at his restaurant.) However, he ignored that and just acts like my entire family are sheet-wearing, cross-burning bigots. Admittedly, there are a couple of people whose opinions are 180 degrees from mine, but I’m not worried about pleasing them or catering to their whims, especially since they’ve never worried about doing that for me. It really bothers me that he takes the shitty actions of a couple people and projects that upon my entire family. Honestly, 90% of all the people I’m related to are very nice people, and I’m not just saying that because I’m related to them. They’re upstanding, intelligent, hard-working people. I don’t know about you, but I think that as a general matter of principle, you hold your tongue about your fiancé(e)’s family unless something comes up. He makes fun of them, and I find that entirely disrespectful.
There are a few things he’s said recently that make me question who it is that I’m marrying. I used to think he was pretty open- minded, and he’s always talking about how liberal he is, but it’s looking more like lip service than ideology. When we were discussing my friend Rashmee’s predicament (she wants a quasi-arranged marriage, and her younger sis really can’t get married until she does), he called the whole idea “stupid.” He didn’t say, “Oh, I don’t understand it,” or “I don’t think I could do something like that.” No. He called it stupid. I ripped him a new one. Do I agree with their tradition? No way. I wasn’t raised to believe in that. But it’s their culture, their beliefs, and it’s what they’ve decided they want. They’re OK with that. I think people’s choices should be respected. You don’t have to agree with an idea or concept to respect it, and just because it seems “primitive” or “backwards” doesn’t make it stupid. He didn’t handle himself very well at the one Indian party I brought him to, and that’s actually been a source of embarrassment for me. He also makes fun of people for believing in God, even though he knows that I do. When we go to Target on a Sunday morning and it’s empty, he’ll say “Oh. Looks like people are out worshipping their god.” A friend of his recently was talking about his idea and the fact that he does believe in God but doesn’t ascribe to any particular religion and Scott actually laughed at him. Then he also complains about being looked down upon because he doesn’t go to church or whatever. His lack of reflexivity is really appalling. If you’re going to look down on others for their beliefs, don’t get your knickers in a twist when people look down at you for your lack of belief. He says he won’t rule out the existence of God, but that he feels there is no concrete proof. That’s fine, but don’t turn your nose up at people who’ve decided that they do believe. The majority of the world’s population believes in some sort of higher power or deity, so obviously religious belief does serve a purpose to humanity. What that purpose is, I don’t know.
Sorry for the long rant, but I really needed to vent that.
Yeah, I answered yes to nearly all of them. The Talladega 500 might be big, but it isn’t the biggest in the state. The Iron Bowl will always trump the race.
Scary!! Nice to know Opelika is representing in a random LJ meme
That’s funny. Whereas I didn’t answer yes to all fo them, I did to many. That list is soo true though, lol!
It’s nice to know that just because it is my cuurent place of residence and I was born in Huntsville, I’m not an Alabamian. I answered yes to only four of eighteen: buggy, properly pronounce cities, humidity sissies, and not surprised about findig odd things together in stores (hey, I grew up outside the US, nothing surprises me like that). I’m happy.
Try not to stress too much. We’re getting married in about 45 days and we still don’t have someone to marry us. Our first preacher backed out for no reason at all (he’s a fishing buddy of the groom’s)and we have yet to meet with the back up. We’re supposed to be doing that on Sunday. If that falls through, we try to find a JOP and if that doesn’t work out, we get a friend “ordained” online.
As for the same sex issue, I will have at least 3 guests at our wedding in AL that are same sex partnered. FH won’t say anything and I’m hoping his family won’t either….however, they are less open than he is.
The religion thing can be tough. I grew up Catholic and he is Southern Baptist, so there are some differences. I think I tend to be a little more tolerant of differences simply because I’m used to them (working in an international field). He does sometimes say things that make me wonder. Like for example, my friend from college found out that her brother died on Dec 31st. When she told me she found out he killed himself, I didn’t tell FH because he would say something like “He’s not going to heaven.”
Well, I’m glad that I’m not the only person in the same boat (the no-officiant boat).
I guess I wouldn’t be so upset if he wouldn’t claim to be so liberal and open. He really has a lot of issues with class, race and sex that bother me at times.
I just wanted to give you a *hug* and tell you that I’m sorry you’re feeling stressed.
I can somewhat relate to you when it comes to a partner claiming to be open-minded and accepting and then the most dumb ass things come out of their mouth (describing something as “gay”…ummm are we in 7th grade?) It makes me question things sometime but I try to judge by actions and rip a new one when I feel it’s appropriate (such as the comment above). Matt’s dad has some racist tendencies, to which I just cringe at. Ugh.
Yeah, I guess nobody’s perfect, but at the same time it’s just a little too consistent for my tastes.